Melody
I woke up to find myself lying on the pull-out couch in the living room with the smell of bacon and the sound of souls softly playing in the background. A cool breeze from outside could be felt making me shiver a tad bit. I arose from the cough looking to find Jay. Once, I couldn’t find him. I figured he must be in his room.
Without much thought, I headed to mine to get ready for my morning jog. I don’t eat before I exercise. Ever since I threw up before track and field practice after having breakfast when I was eight, I’ve stayed clear of repeating that mistake. By the time I got dressed and opened the door, I could hear him yelling at someone on the phone.
From what I could hear, it sounded like he was having an argument with Alicia. Not wanting to eavesdrop, I hurriedly left the villa and began my jog. Even with my favorite song playing, I couldn’t get lost in the words like I’ve done many times before. Once again, my mind was wandering off to Jay.
I was upset about what he told me at dinner and the fact that I know that those two incidents were only the tip of the ice burg. Yet, hearing his explanation did something to me. He could have just talked to me or even come with me, but he chose a different route. A route that hurt and betrayed me.
I understand he had a hard childhood before my parents adopted him and that it was hard for him to adjust to living with us. But what he did hurt, nonetheless. I’m trying to talk myself down the ledge. We were kids and he was damaged. I took enough psychology courses to know that those were just excuses. Yet, I wouldn’t hold it against him.
What’s done is done. The past can’t be changed. We can only move forward from here. At least that’s what I keep repeating to myself. I’ve never been the one to hold grudges. Ever since I was a kid, someone has done something to me. We either talk about it or fight it out. Once one or both of those two are done, I let it go. I might never talk to you again, but I don’t hold on to the animosity.
This situation with Jay was different. We talked about it, yet it still bothered me. I couldn’t fight him, and I didn’t want to. Right now, I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I was having a battle within myself. My conversation with Sandra, the dinner, Jay’s explanation, and the movie night kept replaying in my head.
Sandra was right, I’m an idiot because, after all of the contemplating, my mind and heart still settled on me staying here and going through the rest of this vacation. More than anything, I wanted to feel what it was like to date him, to pretend that we were more, that we didn’t have a past yet had a future. I wanted to know what it was like to be in his arms without restraint.
Once this was all over, I’ll head back home and forget any of this ever happened. I needed to get over my infatuation with him, get over these feelings and move on. After this vacation, I would do just that. I didn’t have a choice. A part of me believes he was trying to do the same thing but for different reasons.
I caught that look again last night and I would like to believe that’s what it means. That he wants to play these games just to use me to get over me. To get over whatever need he has of me. To truly believe that he was no longer that damaged kid who had abandonment issues.
My psychology professor would scream for me to run right now and not even think about entertaining this notion. Yet, that’s exactly what I was doing. I’m going to allow him to do so because he wasn’t the only one who needed confirmation and assurance. No matter what the reason was.
Our parents always told us to follow our hearts, but then ma used to say to not allow your heart to do the thinking for you, because they won’t always be on the same page. Right now, my heart and mind were telling me to follow through. My heart might be broken in the end, but my mind understands that we need this in order for us to move on. It all sounds stupid, I know.
After an hour of running and gathering my thoughts, I returned to the villa to find Jay and our parents sitting on the kitchen island. I said good morning and attempted to make it to my room.
“Mel, come eat with us.”
“I smell like sea and sweat. I’ll come to join you once I shower.”
“Sweetheart, just sit down and have breakfast with us before we leave.”
I studied my mother for a moment before giving in. As uncomfortable as I felt, I sat down in the empty chair and ate with them. Every now and then, ma would ask questions, wanting to see how I was doing and if I was enjoying my time. Even smiling at times.
This is the nicest she has been since we’ve arrived, probably way before then. Pa and Jay were quietly studying us. I can guess it’s because this was the first time they’ve seen mom initiate a civil conversation with me after she said or done something mean to me. Maybe it was because, for the first time, they'd seen me shut down like that after one of her mean rants.
I’ve always been the one that would talk back and speak my mind. Even though I stayed to myself the majority of the time and remained neutral, I never took disrespect well. Never allowed anyone to talk down on me or bully me, not even when it was my mother. I didn’t believe I deserved any of it.
I always excel in everything they require of me, even the things they don’t. I was polite to everyone, never mistreated anyone or anything, I helped where I could, gave to charities, and did community service. I graduated three years early and helped Jay to do so in three. I was valedictorian, played whatever sports they deemed necessary, won every dance competition and beauty pageants ma wanted, and qualified for every scholarship known to man. I never got in trouble with the law, never got into fights unless needed, and never made a scandal. I did everything they asked of me.
So, no, I don’t believe I should allow anyone to talk down on me and disrespect me. No matter who they are. But I was tired of ma’s antics. It seems our relationship only works with distance, because after I moved, we made some progress, and now that I was around longer than two days, we’re worse than before.
“She’s trying baby girl,” Dad whispered, pulling me out of my reverie.
“Ok, Pa. Enjoy your mini road trip.”
“Will do, try to enjoy your stay. I know your brother has been missing you, and it’ll be a great time to reconnect.”
“ OK, pa.” I kissed his cheeks before he got in the car. Would he push this hard for Jay and me to reconnect if they knew what games we were playing?
****
We ended up going on a full-day cruise sailing around the island. There were occasional stops to get off and shop at the local stores. With there not being more than six people on the cruise, it was easier to handle my motion sickness. Once I did, I have to admit that it was fun. I started to loosen up and not get caught up in my own head.
We talked about life after college, making sure to leave college life untouched. We weren’t quite ready to touch that on yet. We touched bases about business, places we’ve been, and people we’ve met. Sharing stories of awkward and crazy things we’ve seen or dealt with. We even went far enough into the relations he has had and the lack of the ones I haven’t. Jay’s been a busy man over the years.
This thing between us, whatever it was, was easier than it should be. The stupid things we argued and laughed about, the little games we played to pass time, the tucking of my braid or poking me, pinching or flicking him in return were too natural. So natural that people around us kept mistaking us for a couple.
After multiple attempts at telling them that wasn’t the case, we started laughing it off. It was weird how comfortable we were playing this make-belief. I was too carried away with our antics to realize that we didn’t get off at the same port we got into. We came to an abrupt stop, causing me to crash into him.
“Be careful, you need to watch your steps for where we’re heading.”
He refused to give any information after that. We made the fifteen-minute walk to the cave and another ten within the cave. The smell of the after-rain-wet soil filled the air. Lanterns lit the path for us as the nearby waterfall could be heard in the distance.
I could stay here for months. I loved everything about it, how it pulled me in deeper, soothing me. Everything about this cave heightened my love for nature. Once we stopped, I finally noticed the setting. There in the corner was a king-size inflatable mattress perfectly made, an ice cooler, and two sets of bags. There were more lanterns there than on the path we had taken.
Just as a light switch went off in my head, he spoke “Do you like it?”
“Yeah, but why?”
“I remember how you had this bucket list of your perfect dates.”
“Dinner on the beach, a make-fort movie night, a cruise around an island, a romantic sleep in a cave, picnic next to a waterfall, just to name a few. But why?”
“I told you already, layer one.“
“It’s a game after all. We could have pretended without the extra sh*t.”
“Now what would be the point of that?”
“You would have won your little game without using my bucket list in the process."
“ Can’t risk it. Now come on. There’s a spring nearby.”
After changing into our swimwear, we headed to the spring. I couldn’t get the thought of him possibly seeing my body out of my mind. It wouldn’t have been the first time. There have been many times growing up when we’ve seen each other in our undies. It didn’t become an issue until we were sixteen. Things started to grow, filling in, and hormones started to heighten. Even then, one of us would slip and forget the rules.
He took my hand in his, causing a warmth to radiate through me. All throughout today, he’s been touching me, and it’s been constant. If he’s near, his hands are on me, causing my body to react in ways and crave things it shouldn’t.
I was glad when we finally reached spring. I hurriedly entered the shockingly warm water, to cool the pooling warmth between my regions. I was relieved when he sat across from me instead of next to me. He studied me for a while, sending heat through my body with his gaze. What the f**ck is going on?
I broke eye contact, looking everywhere but him. There was tension in the air, and I didn’t know what to make of it.
“What’s on your mind?”
“Just wondering how many more stages this game of yours has.”
“Why, are you in a hurry to finish it?”
“Just don’t see the point in it. We’re way past the of playing house and make-belief. Yet here we are.”
“How about a round of twenty-one questions? Avoiding any questions that would go against rule one. Just like old times. “
“Meaning, I can’t ask anything that would reveal why the hell you wanted to the playhouse all of a sudden.”
“Basically, ladies first.”
I don’t know why I looked up. Our eyes connect, freezing and warming me all over. Slowly moving my body around and giving my back to him, I released the breath I didn’t know I was holding. To clear my mind, I ask about the one topic that’ll get me out of this state.
“Sure. How long have you been dating Alicia?”
“Four years on and off. What about you and Nik?”
“Two years on and off. When is the wedding?”
He laughed. I didn’t catch the joke. It wasn’t a secret about Montgomery’s plans to marry off Alicia.
“Never. Who was your first kiss, Dee?”
“Don’t remember.”
“You suck at lying. I remember clearly.”
If I dig my fingernails any deeper into my palm, they’ll bleed. I needed to calm my nerves, he was just toying with me, but why?
“What are you playing at?”
“Another part of the game.”
“Hmm. Well, if you remember it clearly, then why ask?”
“Just so you know that you were mine too.”
“I guess I should be honored,” I said as I turned around and met his gaze. I just wanted him to say what exactly it was he wanted and stop what he was doing. It’s been one full day and he’s been driving me crazy. I know Jay well enough to know that he won’t stop whatever this is until he gets his fix. That’s why we were always getting in trouble because our games and pranks always went too far.
“Why did you decide to go with chemistry instead of psychology?”
“I don’t like people enough to hear about their problems every day. But Chemistry just happened.”
“You’re still a nerd.”
“You’re still a jerk”, we slowly thinned down the ice between us. Avoiding any invasive questions. We dawdle a little in asking things about the last five years. Any time a question could lead to the "why", we regress. It became like a dance. Maybe the tango. It's forceful and sensual.
The push and pull lasted until we made it to bed. Picking the side of the bed that was closer to the waterfall, I lay facing the water. It was soothing. As I closed my eyes, I felt Jay get in bed.
“Sleeping?”
“Not yet.”
“Remember our old nightly routine?”
I had to laugh. As I sat up and pushed myself back, looking into his ocean blue eyes. “You’re kidding?”
“Nope, and I brought the book.”
“Ugh. Give it.”