Jaylen
Flashback
“Jaylen hurry up son, everyone is about to arrive. You can’t just hide in there, it’s your big day.”
“I don’t want to. I don’t even know them, and they don’t know me.”
“How will you get to know them and them you, if you hide in your room all day? You start school next week, so what’s a better time to make friends for school if not on your birthday?”
“Mommy, I don’t want to. Can’t I just stay home with you, and you can teach me instead?”
“No baby. I love having you home, but you need to make friends and get a normal education. I promise you’ll like it. You’ll be more popular than your sister. You’ll have all the friends, get all the girls, and most importantly will become smarter than you already are. You’ll get to show them all just how amazing you are.”
“But mommy, what if they don’t like me? What if they make fun of me for not being yours or for not being as smart as you think I am?”
“Hush now. Don’t cry. Big boys don’t cry, remember? And they would be idiots with cooties if they don’t, big jerks if they make fun of you. You will be just fine. Believe in you like your dad and I believe in you.”
“Do you think Dee believes in me?”
“Why wouldn’t she?”
“She barely talks to me.”
“Your sister barely talks to anyone. But that does not mean she isn’t there for you or doesn’t believe in you. Now come on and show everyone just how amazing my son is.”
She pulled me into a hug before leading me out the room, down the stairs, and to the front door. As we greeted all the parents and kids, all I can think of was how I don’t belong here. These weren’t my friends coming to my birthday party, these were kids wanting a chance to be around my popular sister. They only came became of her and my parents. Even they weren’t mine.
Since they brought me to their house a year ago, they’ve done everything for me and treated me as I wish my birth mother would have done. Calling them mom and dad came easy because I always wished for parents like these, but they weren’t my parents.
“Cheer up boy. No sad faces on your birthday. Don’t fear all these people, take their presents, smile, and forget about them.” dad squeezed my shoulder with a beaming smile.
“Yes dad” I smiled back.
I took that advice to the heart. Smiling and pretending, hoping the day would end already. I couldn’t remember many of the names people threw at me. But I remember how they looked. Many were cold and distant, especially mom’s side of the family. To them I was a charity case, some throw away my parents picked up.
Throughout the year I’ve overheard their conversations. Either about how I looked or how damaged I was. About how if they were going to adopt, why not a kid in need from their side of the track. A few times I didn’t need to overhear because they would say it to my face before mom or dad would step in and put them in their place.
Today was no different, if not mom then dad would be jumping in my defense. Every time, they would just tell me that words could never hurt me and that no matter what anyone say that I was their son. Nothing else mattered but that. I desperately wanted to believe it.
The adults were bad, but the kids were worse. One of them would always point out how I look nothing like my parents and Dee. How Dee didn’t even like me enough to join my stupid party, even when she lived in the same house, even when she was just upstairs. How she would rather play with her dog than play with me.
Those were the comments that hurt the most. Those were the ones that made me run and hide. Hide somewhere where I could cry. I didn't have any siblings or family. It was just my birth mother and I and I was never allowed to have friends. Never thought it would matter until I was brought here and saw her. But she didn't want to be my sister and not even my friend. Why did she hate me so much?
“Who says it’s not you filthy dirty rats that I don’t like and want nothing to do with. Have you ever thought that I don’t like any of you and would rather stay in my room not to be around or smell any of you? Do you even shower? You’re stinking up our house with your filth.”
I don’t know when she came down, but I was happy she did. I was happier that she stood up for me. Taking my hand, she led me away and then paused.
“By the way, if any of you ever talk to him like that again, I will stump your faces in the dirt. Don’t you dare ever talk down to him or treat him badly. Do I make myself clear?”
If looks could kill, they all would be dead. It wasn’t just the kids she was talking to but everyone there. As she looked across the room, holding all their gazes. The adults remained silent as the kids nodded. She held onto my hand without once looking at me. As she led me out, I turned back to catch our parents’ eyes. Dad and his goofy grin with mom and her wide eye and open mouth.
No one said a word as she led me to the backyard. Not a word until the back door closed and you could hear the adults mumbling and the kids carrying away. We sat down on the bench facing the swing set. For a whole year, we’ve barely talked. All my attempts had been futile. If it wasn’t a nod, it was her pointing her finger in whatever direction I needed to go. I’d be lucky if I got a whole sentence out of her.
Yet here she just stood up for me and even held my hand. Today she saved me when I needed saving the most. I hadn’t cried since I’d been here. Had learned by five that crying only made things worse. But today because of the kids taunting me about her, all I wanted to do was cry my eyes out. She saved me from that.
“Why did you do that?”
“No one deserves to be picked on. Not by kids and especially not by adults.”
“Thank you.”
“No need. You know, you’re going to have to stand up for yourself. Don’t let anyone bully you, ever.”
“I won’t. Thank you.”
“Told you there’s no need to thank me. Happy birthday by the way.”
I wanted to say thank you, but I know she would have told me not to, so I nodded.
“It’s nothing special but I got you a gift. Ma is probably going to lose her mind, but I saw you staring at it a few times whenever we went to the mall. Come on.”
I happily got up and followed her to the side of the house where the black and red electric scooter stood with matching a matching helmet. I hurriedly went to scan it, seeing my new initials on them.
“Don’t just stand there, go ahead, and try it out. It can go up to forty miles and plays music, the lights are pretty bright too.”
It wasn’t even the same scooter I had been gauging at. It was better. I didn’t even know she noticed. I always tried to hide my wants and needs; I was never allowed to, and I tried not to ever show it. Yet she saw and went above and beyond.
I ran to her hugging her with all my might. To my surprise, she returned the hug before pushing me back to the scooter. Told me to try it out before mom came looking for us. I did as she stood to watch for anyone coming to look for us.
She stayed near me the rest of the night, like a silent shadow. No one came too close or said any mean things. With her around the party flew in a breeze. Even with a table full of gifts and a shoebox full of birthday money, her gift was the most memorable.
Once the party ended and she broke the news to mom about what she got me for my birthday, we went upstairs to our rooms. After my shower I could her mom being upset, yelling at her. I opened the door to watch her calmy planted on her feet meeting mom’s gaze. As mom reached to what I believe was to hit her, I flinched and hurriedly close my door bur I shut it too loudly.
“Now look what you did mom. You just triggered him.”
“I didn’t mean to. I wasn’t thinking.”
“Just leave it, mom. I gave him the scooter, he wanted it, but you couldn’t see that since you’ve been too busy parading him around.”
The door opened and I huddled deeper in the corner. Shaking and waiting for whatever punishment was about to come. None ever did, instead, it was her voice I heard as she announced her every move before finally reaching out to me. Sitting on the floor slowly scooting closer before embracing me into a hug. All the while letting me know exactly what she is doing.
“Jay, it’s ok. You’re ok. I’m ok and so are mom and dad. No one is mad at you. No one is going to hurt you in any way. I promise. You’re safe.”
She repeated those words over and over until I finally stopped shaking. Until I finally relaxed into her embrace taking in her Lavender- vanilla mixed scent. Until I finally fell asleep in her arms.
****
Current
I found her sitting in the sun lounge with her head in a book. She looked so much as she did when we were kids. One big ponytail, tank top, pajama shorts with thigh-high socks, and her head in a book. The only thing missing was the glasses.
I continued to admire her. How she still had this air of innocence yet dominance, how her nightwear accentuated her fit yet full figure. That round behind, the perky tits, the tone legs were tantalizing. But her body wasn’t the only thing that called to me. It wasn’t the only thing I wanted and definitely not the most important thing I wanted. I wanted her heart. I wanted all of her.
Yet, all I’ve done thus far is push away. What I did to her that summer was cruel and wrong. But like I had told you, I didn’t want her to leave. I would like to say that my scheming to keep her to myself, to get her to stay with me ended there but the list was endless. Ever since she stood up for me, got me that scooter, and later console me at my worse that night of my eighth birthday, I've done everything to keep her close.
I only told her about those two incidents to try and explain why I did what I did and why I continued to do so. I don’t blame her for being upset and not wanting to talk to me, but I can’t take it. I can’t take her being upset with me. Not right now, not when I still have my work cut out for me.
“Can we talk, please?”
“Why, you have more stories to tell me about how you f**ked up my life and then pretended to be my support system?”
“I could but where’s that going to get us? What I’ve done to you was wrong, but I had my reasons. Yes, I had our parents and associates but all I wanted and needed was you. I was a troubled kid with abandonment issues who lacked trust and anything good. While everyone treated me like some prized possession, some token, you didn’t. You never judged me, never required anything from me. You saw me, understood me, protected me, and stayed by my side no matter what.
You became the only one I relied on, trusted, and wanted to be around. So, every time you randomly declare you wanted to leave, even if it was for a day, I felt like you were abandoning me. Even when you promised to call and gave a timeline of when you’d return, it wasn’t enough for me. I did a lot of f**ked up things growing up, but I never meant to hurt you. I just didn’t want you to leave me.
I am sorry for everything. I’m not a child anymore suffering from being abandoned at some gas station. I don’t care anymore who approves or disapprove of me. I will never hurt you, deceive you or use you to fill a void that was never your responsibility to fill. All I can ask is for your forgiveness and allow me to make it up to you.”
She crashed into me giving me the biggest hug I’ve gotten since she ran away. I returned the hug, inhaling her light lavender and vanilla scent. The scent of home and comfort. The scent I’ve been craving these last five years. The one that used to put me to ease, and eventually to sleep. Even to this day she still smells the same.
“You could have just told me. I never made it hard for you to talk to me. Why not just tell me?”
“I didn’t know how to. You’ve always had these big dreams and goals that were minuscule to mine. I didn’t want to say anything to make you think that I didn’t want you to succeed. But I was childish and didn’t want you to leave.”
She nodded and continued to hug me. Being in her arms made me realize I missed her more than I admitted. I can only hope she missed me just as much.
“How bout a movie like old times?”
“Your room or the living room?”
“Living room. We can make a fort and everything like we used to.”
“Deal”
We watched old horror films as we made comments about the bad quality of them that made them that much better. Playing out the lines to movies we’ve already seen animatedly while laughing our a** off. Having a popcorn fight just because we couldn’t agree on who was the worse actor in one of the movies. I’ve probably watched her more than all three movies combined. She was a sight to behold. From her laugh to her hilarious acting faces, I couldn’t enough of watching her.
She eventually fell asleep with her head on my shoulder. After a moment of enjoying the silent moment, I adjusted her to a better sleeping position under our made fort. Thoughts about how this was by far one of the best nights in my life. In all honesty, every moment with her was the best and would forever be engraved in my mind and heart.