The drive back was long and conducted in awkward silence. Lucas spent the majority of it staring at the photo studying every inch of Sarah’s body on display in her bikini. There was no self-consciousness in her expression and she seemed wholly comfortable as she built a sandcastle with Zoe.
It was a drastic change from how she acted now. Whenever she was around him she seemed uncomfortable in her own skin. Was it because he used to ignore her? Did she not like the attention he gave her now? Would she be okay if he was someone else? The thought of another man showering her with attention made him fidget with jealousy.
“If you sigh one more time I’m pulling over,” Alan warned.
Lucas glared at him.
“I’m serious. Sighing at the picture isn’t going to help. What are you thinking about?”
“You don’t think…I mean Sarah wouldn’t have…”
“A boyfriend?” Alan asked.
“Yeah.”
“I don’t think so. According to Kyle she isn’t seeing anyone.”
“Kyle?”
“The sales clerk at the antique shop.”
“You talked to him about Sarah?”
“About the shop,” Alan corrected. “Which naturally led to talking about his boss.”
“And here I thought you were just flirting.”
“I was.”
Lucas raised a brow in confusion.
“Hey, if you get your love life in order maybe I can finally have one. Any information can be helpful.”
“You really like him, don’t you?”
Alan’s cheeks tinged pink which was more than enough confirmation for Lucas. He had never seen his friend flustered before.
After a moment Alan finally spoke, “Just don’t mess this up.”
Lucas grimaced. That was easier said than done. How did one even begin to make up for the past six years? He had made so many mistakes. Did he even have the right to be forgiven?
“Look, you have to talk to her,” Alan continued when he didn’t answer.
“She won’t even look at me.”
“She doesn’t have to look at you to hear you,” Alan said.
“And what am I supposed to say?”
“Start with…I’m sorry. I was an idiot. And you hope it’s not too late to make up for it.”
Lucas nodded.
“Just bite the bullet and do it.”
“What if she says there isn’t a chance?”
“Then at least you’ll know. Isn’t that better than making yourself sick worrying?”
Lucas breathed deep. He supposed that was correct. Maybe this was how Julius felt when Macey returned with the twins. The fear of rejection, constant worry about her and the children’s health…He had to start somewhere.
He was impatient to be home but the car ride seemed to drag on forever. It was almost eight before Alan finally pulled up to the house. Lucas frowned realizing he had probably missed dinner. His heart hammered in his head as he approached the front door. Tucking the picture in the shopping bag alongside the Rosemary books he took a deep breath before entering.
The scent of corn, chicken, cheese and vegetables was still thick and the house had a pleasant warm feeling. Ulima stood over the sink washing dishes confirming his fear. They had already eaten. Though he was used to coming back to a quiet house now there was noise and bustle. Sarah and Zoe sat in the living room playing Go Fish at the coffee table.
Daisy suddenly stood and barked to announce his arrival before running toward the door to greet him. The puppy turned circles in front of him as if unable to contain its excitement.
“Daddy!” Zoe squealed running up to him.
Lucas slid the shopping bag under the narrow table near the door and dropped to his knee to catch her hugging her close. He suddenly felt at ease letting his tension during the car trip melt away. If every day ended like this he would be happy. He kissed her temple.
“Daddy, you missed dinner! Ulima made tamales!”
“I’m sorry about that…I was catching up with work and lost track of time.”
“You shouldn’t work so hard, daddy,” Zoe frowned. “Mommy says it’s important to get rest too.”
“I’ll remember that,” Lucas nodded.
“Ulima saved you some tamales.” Zoe led him to the kitchen. “She made yours and mommy’s with chili powder so they are real spicy!”
Lucas allowed himself to be led to the table where he set Zoe on a chair before taking his own seat. Ulima gave him a disapproving look for being late but set a plate of tamales wrapped in corn husks in front of him. They were still warm so at least he wasn’t too late.
As he unwrapped the tamales Zoe told him all about her day: visiting the ice cream museum and jumping into the sprinkle pool before visiting Macey’s art gallery. It seemed Sarah wanted to show Zoe as many attractions as she could while they were in town. He also suspected Sarah was trying to keep herself busy and avoid thinking about certain things.
He listened, picturing Zoe running around the pink environments, playing tag as she ducked around large ice cream cones before visiting the ice cream bars for a sundae made to her specifications. He could almost hear her shriek happily as she slid down the large, twisting slide.
“And then we saw Auntie Macey!”
Lucas broke into a fit of coughs as he struggled to swallow his meal in surprise. If Macey and the kids were in town then Julius was back as well. He felt himself breaking out into a cold sweat. What would Julius think once he learned Sarah had returned and Lucas was trying to win her back?
“Daddy? Are you okay?” Zoe asked. “Are you sick?”
“No.” Lucas shook his head. No doubt he had also gone pale. “So you got to meet Auntie Macey, huh?”
“Yep! And then we met Auntie Ava at the mall and we went shopping for dresses!” Zoe bounced in her seat. “I got a special dress to match mommy’s! Auntie Macey says there is going to be a big party and me and Daisy get to go!”
Lucas chuckled. She had to be talking about the DaLair Mixer. It had become a summer tradition to celebrate Julius, Macey and the kids’ return to the States. Though they visited whenever they could during the kids’ seasonal breaks summer was definitely the most anticipated but even that was not enough for the DaLair patriarch. From what Lucas heard Augustus was leaving his eldest son in charge more and more to run off to France and visit at every opportunity spending time with his young grandchildren.
“Auntie Macey said we’re all invited!” Zoe declared. “And Auntie Ava and Uncle Si are going to! We’ll all be together!”
Lucas forced himself to swallow. He couldn’t remember the last time he was invited to any event hosted by the DaLair family, let alone the Mixer which was among their more exclusive gatherings. It was at the end of the week and he wasn’t sure if that was too much or too little time to prepare to face Julius. Yet it was also the first event he would be able to attend with Sarah and Zoe so he was also looking forward to it.
“Daddy, you are going to come too, right?”
“Of course, princess,” Lucas smiled patting her head. “I wouldn’t miss it.”
He glanced at the living room wondering if Sarah was sharing the same thoughts. Lucas’s mind recalled the plum-colored gown she wore at the last party and immediately wondered what her new dress looked like. And Zoe had a dress to match? His heart pounded in anticipation.
“Zoe, time for your bath,” Sarah suddenly interrupted.
Her expression seemed conflicted and he was getting used to it. Not for the first time he wondered what was going through her mind. Was she happy? Worried? Scared? Excited?
“Ah, do I have to? I want to talk to daddy some more.”
Sarah chewed her lip.
“You need to listen to your mommy,” Lucas said. “It’s my fault for being late.”
“Okay,” Zoe sighed still disappointed. “We’ll talk tomorrow, right?”
“Right.”
Reluctantly Zoe slid off her chair and headed toward her mother. Lucas watched her a moment before suddenly getting to his feet, “Sarah…can we talk?”
“What? Now?”
“Please?”
Sarah hesitated.
“I can take conejita upstairs for her bath, Señora,” Ulima offered.
“You don’t mind?”
“Of course not.”
Sarah hesitated then nodded. Zoe didn’t seem at all perturbed by the change and happily preceded Ulima upstairs with Daisy bounding up after them.
Lucas watched them until they were out of sight but hesitated unsure where to begin. Alan suggested starting with an apology but would that really be enough to cover…everything?
“…So what do you want to talk about?” Sarah prompted after a moment. “Does it have anything to do with that?”
He followed her gesture to see she indicated the bookstore shopping bag. Grimacing he looked at her to see a deep frown.
“I didn’t take you for a reader.”
“I’m not,” he admitted. “Not usually but…Alan said you do extensive research for your books. I just…wanted to learn more about you.”
“And you didn’t just ask me because?”
“I didn’t think you’d want to talk to me.”
Sarah chewed her lip. He was beginning to realize it was a gesture she made when she was deep in thought or struggling with some internal debate.
“I made a lot of mistakes…I admit that. I want…I want to make it up to you.”
She shook her head turning away.
“Please Sarah,” Lucas grasped her hand. “Please, I just…tell me what I need to do. Yell at me. Curse me. But please, don’t shut me out. I’ll do anything…”
“Just stop!” Sarah yanked her hand away. “I won’t be made a fool again.”
“You were never a fool. I was. But I promise…”
“Promise what?” Sarah snapped. “Promise not to sneak around behind my back and attack me through your mistress?”
“Sarah, I didn’t…”
“Don’t lie to me!” Sarah shook with anger. “Don’t act like you didn’t know what you were doing when you gave my number to that slut. Or that you didn’t know what she and your sister and your god-forsaken mother were texting me.”
Lucas frowned. Text messages? From Madeline, Lidia and his mother? But that was…
“I heard enough from that…bitch. Every morning like clockwork she told me how good you were to her and how many times you made her cum…And your sister asking me why I was getting in the way of your great love affair. And don’t even get me started on your mother.”
“What text messages?” Lucas asked. “Do you still have them? Can I see them?”
Sarah scoffed at his feigned concern, “Ask Tailor. He has my phone. All the messages are still on it. I didn’t delete a single one.”
Tailor? Her lawyer?
“I tried to pretend it didn’t matter,” Sarah said. “That it was all just lies. But you told me the truth right from your own mouth!”
“What?”
“Oh don’t act stupid. The night I left as if you don’t remember.”
“Sarah, I don’t remember,” Lucas said. “I remember taking Lidia and Madeline to the Mixer. I remember talking to a few people and having a few drinks then…nothing. Nothing until I woke up in your bed the next morning.”
Sarah blinked. She wanted to argue but the confusion on his face was too real, too genuine. Did he really not remember?
“Alan said he stuffed me in the car and told the driver to take me home but I don’t remember. I don’t remember arriving here or how I even got in. I have no idea what happened…well…” Lucas glanced up to the ceiling indicating Zoe. “I…Zoe makes it pretty obvious what happened, but I don’t remember…”
Lucas fell silent as Sarah suddenly burst into hysterical laughter tears running down her face as she trembled. He stared at her not understanding the conflicting emotions on display. It was several moments before she was in control again. Her laughter slowed but the tears didn’t stop.
“How ironic is that?” she said struggling to catch her breath. “The worst night of my life…I’ve spent four years trying to forget it…and you don’t even remember it!”
She seemed to breakdown into tears but Lucas stood stunned. Did she say the worst night? Taking a deep breath Sarah wiped away the wetness staining her cheeks not daring to look at him.
“…Sarah, wh—what happened that night? Please…tell me.”
Enraged she faced him ready to unleash her pent-up fury but his face was still a mask of confusion and worry. He truly didn’t remember. The irony was unbearable. Sniffing and trying to compose herself Sarah felt the weight of those memories crush her again. He would probably laugh if she told him. But he wouldn’t break her. Not this time. She wouldn’t give him that power.
Lucas watched her in concern. Suddenly she became very calm as if she had summoned it from somewhere deep within. It was like a crashing wave and honestly a little scary. He preferred her hysterical laughter.
“A loud noise woke me up,” Sarah finally said. “I got out of bed to see what it was.”
Lucas grimaced. What if it had been a break in? What might have happened if a criminal decided to hurt her?
“I opened my bedroom door and…there you were. You grabbed me and kissed me,” Sarah didn’t smile or blush speaking in a voice devoid of emotion. “I pushed you away and asked what you were doing here. You smelled like a brewery.”
Lucas bowed his head feeling his face warm.
“You picked me up like a sack of potatoes. I told you to put me down before you fell down. I guess I should count myself lucky we even made it to the bed instead of on the floor.” Sarah shook her head. “You kissed me again. Undressed me. I…I’d never been with anyone before so…”
Sarah’s voice trailed off. She couldn’t…How could she find the words to describe what she felt that night? Could he ever even understand?
A moment ago Lucas had felt himself warm with embarrassment but now he felt himself going cold with shame. Did she mean what he thought she meant? If she hadn’t been with anyone before that night then…
“You were a virgin?” he quietly asked.
A pink tinge colored her cheeks.
His eyes widened. She had been a virgin than that was her first time…ever. Lucas swallowed a lump in his throat. While he certainly was no don Juan he had a few partners here and there. He had even been a first for one or two of them and he remembered it could be quite painful for a woman if their partner was not mindful.
A cold chill crept into him and a fear seized him. He wanted to ask but her twisted facial expression made it die in his throat. But…he had to know.
“…Did…did it hurt?”
She shuddered and he knew his answer even before she spoke, “…You were forceful…I haven’t let anyone touch me since. Whenever they want to…be intimate…all I can think about is the pain. So I stopped trying.”
Lucas felt his stomach drop. He may have hated the idea of anyone else touching her but this was not what he wanted.
“And when you…finished…you called me Maddie.”
It took a minute for her words to sink in. He stared wide-eyed as he asked, “I what?”
“You said ‘That’s right baby. That’s what you want, isn’t it Maddie?’”Sarah trembled glaring at him daring him to lie to her again. “And then you passed out and I crawled to the shower to scrub off the shame.”
Lucas winced at the venom in her voice. As much as he wanted to deny it he couldn’t. He had no memory of any of this but her conviction was too great. He knew he messed up and drove her to leave him but he hadn’t expected this.
“The first time my husband ever touched me and the entire time he thought he was having sex with his mistress,” Sarah laughed but there was no humor in her voice. “So don’t…don’t lie to me. If Maddie is the one you want go…have her. But leave me out of it. I won’t be that woman.”