Savvy
Dear Diary
My heart is shattered. I woke up this morning to a video of my husband f*cking another woman, calling her baby, and doing things to and with her that he never did with me. Is that why he cheated? He wanted more filthy s*x. I wanted that, he could have had that with me. I’ve tried to do more experimentation with him, but it was always, “no Savvy, you are too good for that”. No I wasn’t. I wanted to suck him off, have him slap my a*s, or f*ck me in it. I want him to eat me out, use toys with me, maybe try a threesome. What is wrong with me that he wouldn’t want to do those things with me? I can’t be here anymore. What if I run into him, or them together? That would kill me to see him happy with her and her daughter, while I’m miserable and alone, unloved. Thinking about my past relationships, I’ve realized they cheated on me too. Dean, my first-I found out he was f*cking my so-called high school best friend when he took my virginity. He called out her name when he came. And Thomas, who I dated for six months, was also dating one of my co-workers at the time. We found out one day when I showed her a picture of me and him at the Omaha Zoo. She freaked out, and told me he was her boyfriend and showed me a picture of him and her in Jamaica. Needless to say, I dumped him right away. So, again, what’s wrong with me?
****************************************************************************
I was shaking still after watching the video for the third time, how could he?
“Stop watching it,” Nicole said, trying to take my phone from me. “You’re just torturing yourself.”
“No, I need it burned into my mind, so if I do see them again, I can conjure it up and feed off my anger.” I said, tears falling freely down my face.
“Savvy, you have to stop. You’re just hurting yourself.”
“He f*cked her and filmed it!” I shouted.
“Do you really think it was him? Look at him, he’s slurring his words, he’s sloppy with his f*cking. And you can clearly see him passing out, then you see her getting up and smiling into the phone. You know that b*tch set him up.”
“It doesn’t matter, he f*cked her, and he did it raw. A thousand bucks she ends up pregnant,” I said, glaring at the phone.
I texted him to sign the divorce papers. It was the least he could do.
“I’m leaving. I love you, thank you so much for putting up with me.”
“I’ll always put up with you, you’re my other half.”
I chuckled and we hugged tightly.
“I’ll miss you,” she whispered.
“I’ll miss you too.”
I left shortly after. Last night I did a little research on Florida. I liked the sound of Hollywood. I laughed when I found Hollywood, Florida. I was so sheltered it made me shake my head. I’ve hardly ever traveled in my twenty-five years. I went from Nebraska to Montana and once to Spain. That was it.
My father grew up in Spain until he was fifteen. His mother fled my grandfather with him. My grandfather was a bad man. He got arrested for killing multiple women. He used my grandmother as a front, acted like a family man, when really he was a monster. My grandmother was young and naive when she met him. I always wondered if she was an intended victim. But I found out later it was an arranged marriage. My father was born a year into their marriage. When he was fifteen, he stumbled upon a young lady escaping an underground bunker on their property. My grandmother and father helped her and called the police. Unbeknownst to them, my grandfather had been kidnapping and murdering girls since he was twenty years old. So my grandmother took my father and fled from my grandfather and the scandal.
She fled to Nebraska of all places. She had purchased plane tickets after getting her and my father’s passports and threw a dart on a map. That dart landed on Nebraska. Fortunately for her, she knew English, and was hired as a tutor to a rich family, to tutor their children. They lived in Kearny and years later my father met my mother. They had me, and when I went to college they moved back to Spain. They met Brian a handful of times when they visited and once when we visited. After the wedding, my father wanted to buy us a house, but Brian refused, thank God. So, unbeknownst to Brian, my father gave me the money and told me to hide it for a rainy day. That Brian was too proud, and my father didn’t want to offend him. I am glad now that I never told Brian. I had a nice savings. It will last me for months if I am frugal.
I started my journey with an everything bagel with cream cheese, and a caramel iced coffee, f*ck the calories. I sang to the radio and tried hard not to think about Brian. Every time an image of that video would pop into my head, I’d sing louder, thank God I can sing. Before I had hit the highway, I was stopped at a light, singing to Carrie Underwood’s, Before He Cheats. I was singing my little heart out at the end of the song. Then, I heard whistles and cheers. Wide-eyed, I looked to my left. I had forgotten my window was down. It wasn’t too cold today, and I was enjoying the weather. Two very good-looking guys were cheering me on. I blushed furiously and stomped on the accelerator the moment the light turned green. Then, I had to laugh at my embarrassment. Well, at least I could still find humor around me. That’s good, right? Means I’m not completely broken.
My phone rang, and I looked quickly at the display on my car panel. I hit the answer button.
“Hi mama Cee.”
“So you left my no-good son, huh? Weren’t going to call me and tell me?”
“I didn’t want to have to make you choose. He cheated on me. I can’t stay with a cheater.”
“I understand. He told me you caught them on her front porch. He sounds really sorry though, Savvy.”
“Oh, so you don’t know?”
“Know what?”
“Um, maybe you should call Brian. I don’t feel comfortable telling you.”
“You or him, doesn’t matter, does it?”
She had a point.
“I got a video of them this morning. He f*cked her right on the living room floor,” I cringed as an image shot through my brain.
I heard her gasp and then my mouth dropped at the profanities that were coming out of her mouth.
“Mama Cee!”
“Oh, no honey, don’t be shocked. I am so mad. I am about to get into my car right now. I have his daddy’s belt. Where are you? Let’s have breakfast.”
“I’m on the road, Mama. I’m leaving.”
She gasped again, “No Savvy. Please.”
“I can’t stay here mama. Please make him sign the divorce papers, he owes me that at least.”
Silence met my request. I let her stew for a minute, I could hear her breathing heavily, and then I heard her start her car.
“Don’t you drive mad, mama. I don’t want you to get in an accident.”
“Don’t worry about me, baby. I will sit here and calm myself before I put this car in gear. I understand what you are doing. I love you. You are the best daughter-in-law a woman could have. Please don’t cut me out of your life.”
“Never, mama,” I sobbed. I wiped my eyes quickly, I was about to hit the highway. “I love you too. Please take care of yourself.”
“I will, darlin. Concentrate on your driving now. Bye bye.”
She hung up. I let the tears flow as I turned on the highway. I was going to miss that woman. I cursed Brian for his stupidity. Turning up the radio when Fancy, by the great Reba McEntire came on, I sang as I started my journey.