“I have a child,” I reminded him. Did he really forget that?
“I know that; sorry, I know. I meant between the pack life and the city. What would you prefer if you could choose anything?”
I never thought about that because I didn’t think I really had a choice. I chose to move to the cabin because I wanted quiet and seclusion, and I didn't think I had another viable option. I chose the city, but it was because it was the closest to the pack my parents were going back to.
My choices were mine, but now they felt like they were always determined by others as well, but maybe most decisions were. There was hardly a choice or decision that was only affected by a singular desire.
“I did love traditional pack life, but then again, that was all I knew,” I started, picking at the last remnants of my hotdog bun. “I’m still new to the city, but I see the appeal,” I shrugged.
“Go on,” he said after I didn’t speak for a while.
“I honestly haven’t thought about it. I’ve been trying to do what was right for Emmett, and a huge part of that is for me to have a future, to have a career.”
“What do you want for yourself?” He took the empty napkin from my hand and shifted to face me.
“I don’t; I don’t know.” I shook my head. “That’s what I’m trying to figure out. It’s hard to sort it all. I never really knew what I wanted outside of pack life growing up..”
“And then?” His icy blue eyes held mine, holding nothing but curiosity.
“Then, I was mated to Nolan, and that was my future. I prepared for Luna duties and shortly after that ended.” I swallowed. That was an f.ucking understatement. “Then I focused on trying to be the best mother could to fill the void of him not having another parent, and after that. Well.” I motioned to the sprawling city. “Here I am.”
“That’s really admirable of you, you know that, Willa.” Caspien never took his eyes off me. “I know it's easier said than done but try to figure out what you want for yourself, what would make you happy and fulfilled.”
“Harder when there are bills to pay and someone else to worry about,” I said dryly.
“Pretend that-”
“But that all does exist. Sure, if nothing else mattered, I would love to be a d.amn fairy princess, maybe have a nice unicorn.” I looked at him.“I get what you’re saying, I really do, but this is my life. There aren’t any what ifs,”
“I understand,” He held my stare.
“What about you? What do you want? What do you want to be?”
“I guess I never really had a choice. I have no siblings, so I was always the only option. I count myself lucky that I wanted to become Alpha, and I’m good at it.” He said matter-of-factly, and I had to admire that.
“Did you want to take the title, or do you think it was because it was all that you knew?”
He sat back, seemingly lost in thought. “I.. no one has ever asked me that.” He shook his head. “I honestly don’t know.”
“No need to unpack that right now.” I nudged him, and he put his arm around me after pausing for a split second.
I loved the fact that this man was still worried about putting his arm around me. I grabbed his hand and placed a kiss on it, trying to reassure him that he was allowed to touch me. I guess I didn’t make it easy in the beginning, and we still had a lot to work through, but I craved his touch.
“I wish things could be easier; this feels easy." I relaxed into his arms.
“It could be,” he murmured into my hair. "I'll try to source a unicorn." I laughed, but part of me was worried he was serious.
I let him hold me, and I let myself believe, just for a second, that it could be easy.
- - - - - -
“Hello, lover girl.” Cali threw a pen at me.
“What?” I jumped back out of my daydreams, which mainly consisted of him. Okay, they all consisted of him.
“Time for bed, or want me to go through these flashcards with you again?”
We were at Cali’s house. Emmett and Loreli were fast asleep. Both of our first real exams were in the morning, and I had been panicking for days. Cali didn’t seem to be phased, though, and worked on painting her nails between quizzing me.
“I think I’m taking the wrong classes.” I hung my head in my hands. “More science and math, fewer flashcards,” I grumbled.
“There is something seriously wrong with you." She grabbed my hands from my face.
“Why aren’t you freaking out? I missed when you were all panicked with me; when did you stop being panicked? True friends panic together.” I threw my hands up.
She laughed. “My classes are easier, maybe, or maybe I’m just a genius, and you’re, well, you’re not.” She smiled at me, winking, and I shot her a glare.
"Ugh," I groaned.
“Okay, one more time.” She patted my hand a few times, bringing my full attention to her, “You know this, you know you know it, but let's do it once more to get it in that thick skull of yours." She flicked the side of my head.
“Ouch.” I swatted her away. “Okay, one more time," I conceded. I knew this, I just needed to focus, but my brain was swimming.
- - - - -
“You got this, I promise.” Cali nudged me, her version of a hug.
“You do, too.” I nudged her back.
“I know.” She flipped her ruby-red curls over her shoulder with a kind of confidence that I could only dream of. “See you after? Coffee, possibly Irish,” She winked at me.
“Yes.” I smiled at her, leaving her to head to my exam.
I would fully focus on this exam, and then I had a few hours of utterly unadulterated relaxation until we had to get the kids from Cali’s.
I stood in front of the exam room; for some reason, this felt like a moment, even more than when I had orientation or chose my classes. It felt like a shift, maybe because I was finally gaining momentum—the first big hurdle about to be put behind me.
I pushed the door open, and my phone buzzed, and then again. I grabbed it to turn it off, but it was the sitter calling me.
“Hello?” I took a few steps back into the hallway. “Is everything okay?”
“Yes, well, Emmett has gotten sick a few times, actually.” She paused. “He has a fever; I wouldn’t call, but it's gotten pretty high. I think he needs to see a doctor, and I’m not sure which one he goes to, and Loreli is here...” She trailed off.
Fuck, this couldn’t be happening. I could maybe explain it to my professors, but I didn’t know if they would buy it. Our summer classes were shorter than the standard semesters, and I know how much of an impact these exams had on my grade, which is a massive part of why I was freaking out about them.
My phone beeped, and I looked down. Caspien was calling, and I went to decline it but accidentally picked it up.
“I’m sorry, I can’t talk, I don't have a doctor, and my exam-” I rambled every half-thought that went through my mind backing up against the wall; I felt like everything that I worked for was out of my control. I thought I had it handled, but I didn’t even have a doctor for my sick kid.
“Willa?”
Another beep, and I clicked it.
“I’m so sorry. I think we lost the connection.” Our sitter’s voice sounded again; people rushed past me into the door. I knew the exam was starting soon. “I wouldn’t be calling unless it was urgent, but I’m worried about him,”
“Okay, I’ll figure it out,” I hung up; my chest tightened. I knew I couldn’t do it all, but I hated actually seeing it crumble before me.
Caspien's name popped up again.
“I can’t talk,” I croaked, damn tight throat, damn tears.
“What can I do?” His voice sounded serious with a hint of panic in it.
“Nothing," I repeated, “My exam is about to start, but Emmett is sick-” My chest was tightening, and my breathing was becoming erratic.
“I’m sorry, I got the time wrong. I thought it was over,” Caspien cut in, “Wait, Emmett is sick? Are you with him?”
“No.” I shook my head even though I knew he couldn’t see. “Our sitter called. He needs a doctor, and I don't even have a doctor.”
“You’re at your exam now?”
“Yes, it’s starting now, but I have to leave.” I chuckled dryly, pulling myself off the wall.
“Stay where you are; take your exam. I’ll handle it.”
“W-What?”
“Send me your sitter's number, and tell her I'm coming. It will be taken care of. He needs to see a pack doctor anyways, not a human one.”
“He’s never been sick before. I need to be there,” I was worried about him, even though it was probably nothing, I had to be there.
“And you will be after your exam,” he said sternly.
“But-”
“Holden is here; he’s good with kids if you’re worried.”
“I’ve definitely seen a child before.” I heard Holden's voice in the background, and I almost laughed.
“Do you trust me? Willa. Do you trust me?” he repeated.
“Yes.” Of course, I did.
“Then let me handle this; take your exam; I’ll have a car outside waiting for you when you’re done.”
“But-”
“Willa, I don’t want to tell you what to do, and I know better than to tell you not to worry about it, but I will handle this. Trust me,”
“Okay,” I agreed reluctantly.
The bell rang, jerking me from my thoughts that were about to spiral again. I sent Caspien her number and sent a quick text to the sitter. I walked into my class feeling a mix of emotions, but mostly gratitude. I took a deep breath; Emmett would be safe and would see the best doctor for him in this city. The best thing I could do for his future was to pass this exam, and then I would hurry to his side.