My first instinct had been to tell Jonah, but he was part of this, it was his bro, his friends and his life that made me feel like this, and would he even care? He couldn’t even take me all the way to work this morning, there was no way that he would even care if I was being manhandled by Chris, like I said, they were bros, and I was just a stupid bitch neighbour that wasn’t allowed inside his place, or even outside the hallway it seemed.
I made a small gasp when I moved, I was already hurting and being thrown like a fucking ragdoll didn’t help when I limped over to the bedroom and cried more when I took my old backpack, the one I had when I was in college before dropping out and slowly filled it with clothes and my toiletries. I couldn’t stay here, my chest was hurting to much from my heart being broken and my body was no better when I changed my shoes slowly, dragging on one booth at the time and got my winter jacket.
I didn’t know where to go, but anywhere but here was going to be better, I rather sleep outside then being stuck here like some bitch prisoner.
I opened the door slowly, my heart racing looking for Chris and when I didn’t see him, I bolted out the hallway, I was going to leave, right now. no more hesitation when I clenched my jaws when my hip was hurting, making me limp and I looked desperately at the door to the stairs when my body didn’t want to fucking cooperate when I needed it and I limped the last steps to the elevator, hating every second of it when I got in and pressed the bottom floor, closing my eyes, making small sniffles from hurting and the emptiness that was pushing out every other part of me, killing me and my heart more for every second I was standing here, alone in a fucking elevator.
I opened my eyes when the doors where opening and I was just about to get out when I saw him standing there a smile on his handsome face and two girls that was along his side.
I gasped taking a step back further into the elevator and his smile dropped when our eyes locked onto each other and he just stared at me when I was breathing faster, fuck, this was it! he was going to drag me back up there, just like Chris was when I made a small whimper from my heart going crazy from the hard emotions of me still wanting to be with him and the strong fear that was making me paralyzed, still being held hostage by his eyes that where unreadable for the first seconds before insane anger blowed up in them. making me hold my breath just waiting when he turned around and left the girls that where just looking at me like they didn’t know what to do about the crying woman in the elevator blocking there path up to his place.
“are you okay, you want help honey?” one of them talked to me when I just shook my head, no! no help, I just wanted to leave when I heard the staircase door slam hard and I shifted my eyes to the girls that where looking just as confused as me when Jonah was gone but I didn’t care, I was leaving, and I was not stopping now when I had my chance.
“We can call an ambulance, you don’t look in any shape of going anywhere…” she and her friend stared at me when I limped out of the elevator when I just gave them a small smile that didn’t reach my eyes, they were going to fuck Jonah, so excuse me if I didn’t want their fucking help.
“No, I’m good… just tell him not to look for me, okay?” I said it sadder than what I intended, and they both looked even more confused, but I didn’t care, he would know when I started to walk outside slowly, making a face every time my right foot was hitting the pavement and I just wanted to laugh at my own misery when I walked about two streets down and just couldn’t take it anymore. the pain being fucking unbearable when I sat down on a bench and tried not to put weight on my right leg that was hurting like a motherfucker, really, I was hurting like hell when I was still crying, like my tears had no off button.
I sank down deeper to my left side, not wanting to put any weight at all on my right side and stared down at the roadside, people passing me but didn’t give a shit, nobody did when I heard someone shouting my name in the distance and I looked up surprised. It sounded like him, it really did but so what? I didn’t want him to find me.
I was never going back to that apartment, never ever again when I just made myself smaller, cursing myself for picking a stupid place to sit down, still not being able to have my foot to the ground because of the intense pain that was coursing thru my body, making me cry even more.
“Andrea!” it was getting closer, and I clenched my fits from my heart going crazy from hearing him, he sounded desperate, hurt and confused when he shouted my name, not angry and vicious like I had expected it to be when I saw him coming around the corner of the street and stopped when he saw me.
He looked like he had been running all the way, panting when he started to run up the last stretch to me and I just stared at him confused, what the fuck was he doing? I told the girls to tell him to leave me alone and still he was here making the panic in my chest taking a stronger grip of my heart, he was here to force me back inside, wasn’t he?!
I started to get up when I screamed from the pain when I held onto the bench and began to limp the first step before giving up, still stressed when he almost had reached me and I just started to cry again when he stopped a few feet from me, I was trapped, and he knew it.
“Baby you are hurt, please let me help you!” he sounded like he was just as stressed as I was when I didn’t stop and sank down on my left leg more, not being able to keep myself up anymore, I was tired and limping on one leg was harder and more exhausting than you would imagine.
“No! just stay away! I don’t want your help, just leave me the fuck alone Jonah!” I hissed the words between my burst of pain when he just looked even more sad when I wanted to laugh, he was sad. I was the one that got fucking thrown and treated like I was nothing, by him and everyone else that was his friends.
“No, I can’t leave you, not like this, you can’t even stand up and I just want to help you I promise!” he didn’t move, and I made a small sarcastic laugher when I found small relief from the pain leaning my left leg to the side of the bench, taking some pressure of my right one.
“don’t you act like you fucking care what happens to me, you left me today, five minutes from my work, and you treated me like shit, no wonder everyone else thinks they can do it too!” I was getting angrier now when my pain didn’t take up all my mind, he could go to fucking hell, him and his bros and whores that he was spending time with when I was being treated like I was a slave, a non-existent person.
He looked at me and then at the ground like he knew I was right, the guilt in his eyes told me everything that I needed to know, so that was it then, whatever he had told me yesterday about not hurting me, all bullshit.
“I’m not even allowed inside your place, and the worst part is, that everyone seems to fucking know, and they are laughing at me, do you know how fucking humiliating that is?! I hissed again making him look up when the pain was starting again at full power and I just breathed like I was going through labour instead of just being here with my hip and leg hurting like hell.
“that’s because you are not allowed inside Andrea, now. stop fucking struggling and let me help you!” his face had changed, he looked desperate when he found me, pleaded at me but now he was just cold, his blue green eyes where hard and jaw set, making me want to start to laugh, well, there he was, the fucking bastard that treated me like shit and I just took it like the stupid woman I was.
“You know what? I’m good, whatever you wanted when you got here, I don’t fucking care, you go back and fuck those girls that you where coming in with and just forget I ever existed…” I hated that I sounded so hurt in the end, when I talked about him fucking someone else, but he did, and I knew he did, nothing had changed, he told me that, us fucking changed nothing between us.
He scowled now, making his face look even more dangerous. He was fed up with hearing me talk back to him and he wasn’t going to hide it anymore.
“what the fuck did you just say to me, that I should just walk away, leave you here, hurt and in need of a hospital?!” he walked closer when I made a small whimper from seeing him being angry at me, I wasn’t afraid of him hurting me, I was afraid of what he would do when I got back, take me back to my place and just tell me to never go outside again, just like Chris had done.
“You don’t get it do you?! You are mine, and I’m not letting you go! not today, not any day!” he was standing in front of me, towering over me when I looked up at the hard face that he was giving me when I just nodded, feeling myself giving up when he was closer, whatever…
I was too tired and when he took his arms around me, I just leaned against him and didn’t say a word, not when he lifted me carefully on my left side and started to walk back with me in his arms, holding me gently when I just stared at his young handsome face, his eyes staring ahead, and I closed my mine. it felt nice to be in his arms, it always did, and I hated that I was smiling, a small faint smile but it was there, because I felt safe when he held me, and nothing would change that.