I stared at him from across the room, not talking when he was eating cereal over by the counter when I didn’t touch mine, I was still pissed that he was leaving me, I didn’t want to wait around anymore for him, I got it, he did things and I had started to get that maybe me not knowing was for the better, but I had just come back, and he had put me in his apartment, I really thought that we were going somewhere, not backwards like it felt right now.
“You better fucking eat Andrea, don’t make me come over there and spoon-feed you because I will.” I just sneered back, sure he would, like he would have the time for it when he was already dressed in jeans and shirt that he had tucked inside his waist, he looked great, and I was sitting here, dressed in my old sweats that he had gotten from my wardrobe in my apartment, just wonderful.
He raised his eyebrows and put his bowl down, suddenly looking all serious on me when I just put the spoon in my hand and stared defiant back at him, I wanted him to stay with me, not going out doing God knows what with God knows who.
“I don’t like cereal.” I put the spoon down again and looked away, I know I was being childish, but I didn’t care, I was hurt and if he didn’t get that, he was stupid.
“Don’t fucking lie to my face, I know you do, I saw them in your place when I was in there, and it was half full, so I know you been eating it.” I just turned around and made a surprised face when he just looked serious, he really had been looking around that much, what else did he know about me that I hadn’t told him?
“Funny, you know so much about me, and yet, I don’t know shit about you, more then that I can’t be in your apartment unless one of your boys hurt me.” I know it was uncalled for, he wasn’t to blame that Chris had been a fucking dick, but I was hurt by him too, and if he think that I had forgotten what I told him when I was leaving, he was wrong.
He just got even angrier, putting the bowl in the sink and looked up at me, hands on the side of the basin and leaned over, like he was trying to control the anger that rushed him, he didn’t like me talking back, especially reminding him about Chris hurting me.
“You don’t need to know.” He leaned over more closing his eyes when I just stared more at him, was he kidding me, I didn’t need to know!? I was living here with him, and he didn’t even want to admit that we were more, more of whatever he told himself, I wanted more at least, I really did.
“I do need to fucking know Jonah, don’t you get that, I really like you, a lot, and I’m sorry but I cant keep pretending that this some kind of weird friends with benefits deal that you want to make it out to be, you say you care for me, and I know you do, but I want more, can’t you get that?!” I was so stupid, fighting him when he was the only one that I had, if he threw me out, I would have to stay with my parents, and then I would be a loser for real, more then I already was.
He clenched his jaw, several times before answering when he got up and walked over to me and I made a small sound from seeing him being mad at me and watched him sink down on his knees where I was in the sofa, looking intensely into my eyes.
“I told you so many times already, you can’t be my girlfriend. I am already breaking a lot of rules having you here with me, and I do care for you, just don’t fucking push it Andrea, if you want more, then maybe we should just call it quits right here and now.” The air in my lungs seemed to get sucked out when he told me in a calm steady voice, that we should just break up, or whatever we wanted to call it.
“What rules!? They sound stupid!” I didn’t want to hold back anymore, if he was breaking up with me, then fuck it, I was not going to be quiet anymore, he was so strange to read, sometimes he wanted me, in all the ways, and was the sweetest guy, and then he just flipped a switch and become cold like I didn’t mean a thing to him.
“My rules, and they are not stupid Andrea, I live like I fucking want too and nobody, especially not you are going to tell me what I can and cant do!” he was more upset seeming that his voice betrayed him when I just stared back, well fuck him and his rules, he told me that I was his, as late as last week and now he wanted to break up, that made no sense.
“Fine, then lets just end this, I get my shit and leave, just like I was going to when you chased after me.” I didn’t care that my chest was burning when he just looked like he didn’t want to say anything more, afraid of betraying himself if he opened his mouth.
I just sighed at his unwillingness to talk all the sudden, so he really was going to be that fucking stubborn, wasn’t he? I got up the slightest from the sofa, making a small face of pain from my hip making him snap out of whatever he was dealing with behind his brooding face and just looked like he had chasing after me, worried and broken-hearted, I closed my eyes, he really wasn’t making this easy for me, not at all.
“Are you in pain? I can get you meds, its time again soon enough anyway right?” he got up when I didn’t answer and just followed him when he walked over to my purse and got the jar and took two of them out, he didn’t even hesitate to do it when he came back with a bottle of water and I took them, not looking into his eyes when I gulped down the water, he really was strange to be with, and still I was here and let him do it to me, I was the one that was crazy and I knew it.
“Thanks. Now…. Just help me up and I will go, and you and your rules can live happily ever after…” I felt his hands on my face all the sudden and I hated that he wanted me to look him in the eyes when I made a small sniffle meeting his sad ones, so he was hurt, but so was I and he was the one that choose this, not me.
“fuck… you are really making my life fucking hard, you know that don’t you?” he made a small chuckle when I just stared back, holding my breath, he was still smiling when I felt his long fingers stroke my face, like he didn’t want to let me go and neither did I, so why was he so fucking stubborn about not wanting to admit that he did feel something for me?
“Yeah…this is me, making your life hard by telling you that I am in love with you…” I just said it, what did I have to lose? he already knew, and did it matter in the end if he was going to dump me since he still hadn’t made up his mind when I saw the slight flinch from my word that made me feel like I just wanted to die, he was going to reject me, and this time, I wasn’t staying behind if he did.
“Andrea baby, how can you be in love with me, you don’t even know me?” he gave me a small amused smile that didn’t reached his sad eyes when I just shrugged, trying not to make more sniffles, I just did and if that wasn’t enough, then I guess it didn’t matter if I knew him or not, he was the best and the worst thing to ever happen to me, kneeling down just watching me like he couldn’t believe if I was for real or not, when nothing else could be more true.
“How can I not be? You are the only person in the world who gives a shit about me, nobody else does Jonah, and I mean nobody, only you….” Fuck that felt so bad telling him, it sounded like I was in love with him because of that he helped me, and that was probably a big part of it too, but the rest I couldn’t explain, not what I felt in my heart, that I just knew that he was the one for me, and no one was going to tell me different, not even him.
He didn’t answer that, not right away, just observed me with his intense eyes that I loved staring into, they were so warm and amazing when he didn’t push me away, I pushed back and a part of him hated that but the other one was happy, I thought so at least when I shifted my sights nervously between the deep green and blue eyes, ocean meeting earth, just waiting for him to tell me something more then just the small confusion and fear that was in his face.
“So, its girlfriend or you are leaving me, do I got that right?” he was serious now and I shook my head, no, that was not at all what I wanted, I didn’t care about what he called me, that didn’t matter, you could call someone your wife and still fuck other girls, I just wanted him and him to want me.
“I don’t give a shit what you call me, I just want you to admit to me, right now that you do feel something, anything, or else, I’m leaving.” He pulled back the slightest like I had smacked him hard with what I told him, he probably thought that I would have been happy just having him calling me his girlfriend, and I might have been, a few weeks ago, but not now, not after what he had done for me, showed me in glimpses.
He had dropped his hand from my face and I was already missing the heat and I tried to not let the bleeding in my heart start to spill out into my eyes, the hurt of him rejecting me was getting bigger every time he did it and I hated myself for just begging for more, if he told me that he didn’t feel the same way this time, then that was it, no more fucking torture, I would leave and try to forget he ever had existed, even if it would kill me.
He was biting his lips and wasn’t aware of it, I had never seen him so unsure since I met him, eyes staring into the void and in a frozen state, his tall powerful body leaned down like he was going thought every scenario of how this would turn out between us.
It had been five minutes when I made a deep sigh and gave up, so he didn’t want to make a decision, he was a coward all the sudden making me mad when I pushed myself of the sofa all by myself, not caring that it hurt like hell when I leaned on my left side, and he looked up like he had forgotten I even was in the room.
“Where are you going?!” he was getting up too, making me remember that he was taller, so much taller when he just took hold of my waist, making me gasp from the heat of his hand on my backside and firm arm around my hips, not letting me go, and keeping me steady at the same time.
I didn’t answer him, he knew where I was going, away from him when he got a harder look in his eyes making me feel warmer inside, he didn’t want me to go, he really didn’t, now he just needed to say the words to me, or to himself, fucking admit that he felt something, I couldn’t take it being treated like some toy whenever he wanted to get closer and then just back away when he didn’t like where it was going.
“You are not going anywhere Andrea, I fucking told you already, you are mine and I’m not letting you go, and I don’t care what you think about it.” He seemed set when I started to shiver roaming my eyes across his handsome face that was cold again, no… no this is not the answer I wanted! Not the cold hard guy that wanted to possess me, not tell me he fucking love me like I know he did!
“So, when I tell you to stay here, you better fucking do it, or I am coming back and then I’m going to tie you to the bed if you don’t obey!” I gasped again, hating the fact that my core was already throbbing from the low threatening voice he used narrowing his eyes, already seen that I was giving up against him, fuck. He really got me good, and he knew it.
“you fucking got that Andrea? and don’t you dare just nod at me, I want to hear your voice when you are answering me.” the coldness creeping further into his voice when I opened my mouth, trying to speak but no words came out.
I was turned on and so disappointed at the same time, at him for not being able to tell him that he had feelings for me, and on in myself for just not being able to resist him, the darkness and the power that was radiating from him was enough to make any girl fall to her knees Infront of him, and I was no different.
“Yeah… I got it Jonah; I be here when you come back….” The soft tone of my voice, trying to hide the humiliation I was feeling when his eyes got a bit softer too, when he had gotten what he wanted from me, conformation that I wasn’t going to leave him, I was pathetic.
“Good girl.” He smiled at me when I felt the heat rushing into my face, he really knew just what to say to make me loose my senses, just two words and I was a goner when he leaned down and I felt my head tilting upwards, just waiting for him when he kissed me, slow and sweet making my heart pound hard against my chest, he did love me, I was sure of it when he pulled back and smiled at me, still dizzy and high on the taste of sweet mint that I loved so much.
“I be back later, I got you your headphones charged and if someone knocks, and I mean anyone, you don’t open the door, okay?!” he looked serious again when I nodded, I sure as hell wasn’t going to do that after what happened yesterday, some goddam madman pounding on the door, scared the shit out of me.
“I send Tom or Joey over later, if they are fucking late or don’t show up, you tell me, okay?!” he was still holding me when I nodded, and he frowned when I swallowed and took a deep breath to answer him.
“I will, but… well….” I don’t know why I was getting shy again, I just didn’t know how to reach him, he was always changing numbers and I had no idea where he was. It was very frustrating.
I shifted my weight, getting tired in my leg when I made a small yelp from him pressing me harder against him taking the weight of my body almost completely when his hand was on my thigh, squeezing it, making me feel hot and bothered again from the way his fingers was digging down into my flesh, just enough to make me feel like I wanted more.
“Just tell me, I don’t like guessing shit, you want something from me, you have to use words…” he said it with a hidden layer making me gulp again, shit he really knew how to play me like a damn fiddle already, fuck.
“I don’t know how, I just… I can’t find you and you keep changing your damn number…” I mumbled the last part when he just looked confused and before I could say anything more, he, reached down and took my phone out, and I didn’t stop him, whatever he was doing, it would be nice to reach him, even if he was a cold-hearted bastard not even brave enough to admit he had feelings for me.
He just tapped it a couple of times and gave it back, making me even more confused. What did he do and why did it only take a minute?
“I just sent a request for my private snap, I’m not changing that, you will be able to reach me, whenever you want to.” He smiled when I just nodded and raised my eyebrows, alright, I guess I should be honoured considering that he had more than one it seemed.
“Thanks…” I just smiled when he laughed and kissed me, making me want more when he put me down at the sofa again and gave me the controller to the TV and I just looked back at him begging not to leave when he just winked back, and I stared at the TV. Great.