One month had passed since I saw him.
One month of fucking hell when I steered into the gas station, my hair being short and I just had cut it off, just took my ponytail one night when I couldn’t take it anymore, leaving my otherwise long hair on the ground of the motel bathroom where I had left it.
the strands reaching just above my shoulders where nudging my bare skin in the tank top I was wearing, making every man within a radius turn around and stare at me when I frowned taking out the pump and just not caring, it was summer and it was hot outside, it was not like I was going to walk around in a coat all the time.
I had paid the apartment, the one that I walked out of, I was coming back but I just couldn’t… not after what had happened, Jonah…. Telling me that he never loved me… just going all psycho on me that bastard… well I didn’t love him anymore….I sneered when I put the pump back and walking inside, paying fast and buying a bottle of water, like I said it was hot outside and I was sweating like a pig, making me not understand why guys everywhere was staring at my tits, I had worn tank tops before and I never got this much fucking attention as I got right now.
I was going to find Kayla, and I had seen her snapchat being used somewhere in this area when I got back into the car and started to blast hard rock, making people give me weird looks that I ignored, rolling out on the slow highway.
I was far from home, and by home I meant Jonah… fuck…I gritted my teeth when I kept driving, focus Andrea, just focus, he doesn’t love you remember, he told you that right to your face after throwing you out like trash, like the dumb bitch I was.
I had called my parents, they wanted me to come along to Ryan’s wedding, get some fresh air and I had just made a mocking laughter before I hanged up on them, me being at Ryan’s wedding with his soulmate? No thanks, hard pass on that one.
I steered the wheel hard following the sharp turn coming up on a street that was supposed to be filled with…. Whores…... if what Jonah had told me was true, then she could be here, I made some weird questions online, asking where the hell to start and people where to my surprise very helpful, somewhere rude as fuck but I didn’t care.
I was coming up on the street and saw them right away, girls walking around, talking to cars, one already moving my way when she looked inside and frowned at me being a girl before shrugging like she didn’t care, if I was paying then I guess she would fuck me too. I smiled at her when she just smiled back before I showed her my phone with Kayla’s picture and started to back away, not even giving me chance to ask her where the hell I would be able to find my best friend.
I got out of my car, locking it, I had taken it back from the impound, leaving me broke. so, I was just as normal, living on minimum and they didn’t complain when they got rid of ugliest car that was tainting the fancier cars that looked more like Jonah’s did, only fancier when I walked around, talked to girls and nobody had seen Kayla making me feel like it was hopeless, where the fuck had she gone?!
Either the hadn’t seen her, or they just didn’t want to talk, being scared or not willing to talk for free, and unfortunately I didn’t have money enough to bribe people and just watched the street looking even more helpless when I car rolled up to my side and I stared in amazement at the man looking at me, with desire and was smiling at me like I was supposed to get in, wait, what, did he think that I was a hooker?!
“Fuck off!” I flipped him off when he called me a cunt and bitch before driving away when the other girls were looking at me like they didn’t like me stealing their business and I got back into my car and just sat there.
Fuck! I smacked the steering wheel hard making my hand hurt but I didn’t care, the pain was nothing compared to the one in my heart, the hard aching that kept me up all night and made me beg for mercy when I just kept crying, the one Jonah had left inside of me.
I started that car and drove away, so this was a fucking dead end, I didn’t want to talk to Jonah anymore, and let’s face it, he was stonewalling me from the beginning. about everything.
I still didn’t know what the hell he was doing when I walked up to the motel I was staying at, just throwing myself on the bed and drinking water, fucking heat, it was killing me when I took up my phone and stared at the last place Kayla had been seen, that street where nobody was talking like the scared bitches they were.
I was getting desperate, and I knew it when I did the one thing I had promised myself I wouldn’t do, call Austin.
I knew that he was dangerous, I did. I still believed in Jonah, just because he was a fucking bastard and a coward not willing to own up to his fucking feelings didn’t make him a liar, and I could see that he was desperate when I talked about Austin and I had seen how fucking cold Austin looked when he walked past me that time in the hallway, like he could kill me with the snap of his fingers and the go home and sleep all night.
But. I was desperate too…. desperate to find my best friend that I didn’t hate anymore. Did I like that she fucked Ryan? fuck no. but he was in on it too, I had been so angry on her not realizing that he was just as much the bad guy here, and if I ever saw him and his pretty little new wife, I would fucking tell him exactly what I felt about all of this.
I was tapping the number, making me more nervous when the signals starting to go out and a dark male voice answered making me have my heart stand still for a few second before I answered with the softest voice I could possibly have.
“Hey Austin, its Andrea, you know, Kayla’s friend…. So, listen I been thinking about you…” I held my breath when he was about to hang up like he didn’t remember me, and I bet he didn’t when he suddenly got back, sounds smirky as hell making me even more nervous when I talked to him.
“I don’t know where the hell she is, now if you excuse me Andrea, I got far more important things to do.” I took a deep breath when I answered him, feeling every part of my body was screaming when I pushed the words out as natural as I could, hoping he wouldn’t hear my fear towards him.
“No, what? I don’t care about her, didn’t you hear? she fucked my husband, so as far as I concern, she can burn in hell…. No, I called because I really believed that you and I had something, and I can’t get over it you know?” I made a face at the end, God I hated this when he took another deep breath on the other side, the handsome charming man that was dangerous and considered just how much I was saying was true when his response surprised me.
“Yeah… I felt it too… listen… I’m sorry that Kayla just steamrolled you and I didn’t do something about it, you seem like a nice girl, and I really liked you, I was thinking with my dick and I’m sorry for that…” he sounded like he really was regretting himself and I was confused. wait, wasn’t he supposed to be this dangerous man that Jonah didn’t want me around, then why did he sound so fucking honest when he said he was sorry to me?
“… I’m not going to lie, I was hurt… you did say you liked brunettes more…” I smiled when he made a deep chuckle, shit maybe he wasn’t so bad as Jonah made him out to be, he was probably just fucking jealous like he always was when other guys where around and he feed me this shit not to be happy, I was supposed to suffer when he was fucking new girls every day.
“I did say that… and that still true… well I’m free later this week, how about Friday, I can send a car and pick you up, you still live on the same address?” he sounded harder in his voice like he knew about me and Jonah and made a small sight, who didn’t know about me and Jonah?
“No… I moved out, couldn’t stand the neighbor, was always playing this awful music I hated, I don’t understand it you know, it’s to modern for my taste…” he made a chuckle again and that felt great, the fear in my body started to leave me when he was making this sound that he knew what I was talking about making me smile even more, he was my age, slightly older so he probably didn’t like the music Jonah was blasting either.
“Tell me about it, my head hurts every time I’m inside a club these days, it’s all just big fucking beats and no soul…” I was speechless, that’s exactly how I felt, holy shit, Austin was not a tasteless idiot like someone else I knew of.
“Same, but I have to be honest, I don’t go out like that, it was Kayla, she made me do it, because of my divorce and all that….” He already knew when he hummed like he got it and felt even better, I mean, why couldn’t I find Kayla and meet up with Austin? he clearly was a better man than what I had expected he would be.
“well that makes two of us, I don’t like going out on clubs, I just have too…but let’s just make it a nice restaurant this Friday then?” he was smiling when he was talking and I just smiled back, oh shit, I had a date, a real date with a guy that didn’t want to be my dom and didn’t even tell me, he was a real man that was dating me in public.
“Sounds like a date…” I made a small giggle when he was chuckling on the other side, and we said our goodbyes.
I was left sitting on the bed, falling back and just stared into the roof, that was insane, I had called him to try to get him to tell me where the hell Kayla had disappeared and ended up getting excited for real, I was going to find Kayla, I swore on it. but knowing her… well she could just as well had found some guy that she was leeching off just like she did with Austin and then she disappeared, it was just her way.
I was already regretting it when I pressed Jonah’s snapchat, his public one that I stalked like the pathetic woman I was and saw his story, so he was drinking again, well. How immature of him, especially when it was from a girl’s bellybutton. I clenched my jaws, that stupid idiot, he was having the time of his fucking life and I was crying my eyes out every night over him, no more, he was fucking history and I was going to have fun with Austin this Friday, I was sure of it when I sat up, throwing my phone on the bed.
I needed cash, my small, small saving from my work was already drained and I just had the clothes on my back, … fuck… I didn’t want to go back to the apartment, I didn’t, but I needed something other to wear then a tank top this Friday and I shouldn’t let the fact that Jonah was there stop me, he was always out anyway when I made a decision, I was going to get my stuff. I didn’t care about the shit he had bought me, made me his whore when I took my phone again and started to walk out to the car, I was just getting in and out, real fast, not caring about him or whoever he was fucking.
I was just up the stairs when I remembered that he still was having my keys, and he was probably out, or sleeping since it was noon, that fucker, I was going to give up my lease on this place, tomorrow, first fucking thing, I swore on it.
Okay. I could do this, just bang on his door and demand the keys, he had probably let the girl out he was fucking this morning … right? I was making whining noises for myself, what if he was doing it right now, with some other girl? Someone younger and prettier….? I made a sniffle standing still in the corridor when I couldn’t walk any further, I just froze, God I was so pitiful, closing my eyes, seeing him with that girl last time…. I felt the nausea again, I hated him when I made a big scowl and just walked over banging on his door, fuck him, just fuck him Andrea, I was the adult here, not him!
The door opened up and I took a deep breath, and I was just about to start yelling like I was crazy when I saw the tired face of Tom, I just made a frown, why the hell was he here, so early and looked like he was just as drained and tired like I was?
“Pretty… hi…wow did you cut your hair off?” he looked at me and I felt even worse, I did, and it looked awful, Jonah wouldn’t like it, I knew that he just fucked girls with long hair, I hated that I noted that detail, I really did.
“Yeah…. Yeah, I did…... I know, it looks like crap… I’m going to fix it… when I can afford it, I mean….” I felt even worse, standing here and telling him I was broke, again.
“No… no it looks great on you, just needs to get trimmed, you really look hot with short hair, promise.” He smiled gently at me, and I knew he was lying, but it was nice of him to try I guess.
“So… listen… I really need my keys; Jonah isn’t giving me them back and… well I have a date and I want to…. you know… look hot when I go out….” He raised his eyebrows and started to smirk, like he got it and I smiled back standing with my hands in my pockets, that was too small in my jeans, and I still did it, weird.
“that’s great, good for you, getting out there, forgetting that bastard….” I dropped my smile and he saw it; I mean I hadn’t forgotten him, I just got rejected, over and over again, I was just taking my smallest shred of pride I had and left with it.
“Yeah… I mean he never loved me… so…” I just blinked, I didn’t want him to feel sorry for me, but he did when he just nodded back and left, closing the door on my face like I wasn’t even allowed to look inside… well that was it wasn’t it? I was on the outside, not even being able to peek inside the place I used to live in once.
I just looked down and when the door opened again, I wiped my eyes fast with my arm and looked up, meeting the sympathetic eyes of Tom, even better, when he reached out his hand and just gave them to me, I stared at them it felt final. like Jonah and I, we were never going to talk or fuck, or even sleep together, oh god I wanted to die.
“Thanks…” I just took them fast and walked back to my door, not looking back when I heard the door closing behind me, he didn’t even say goodbye…. I just pushed my key in, standing there like and idiot, wow. I used to be afraid to get back inside, and now I was just feeling lost.
I made a big gasp opening the door to my apartment.
It was empty.
I just stared at it. nothing. he had taken everything, everything except the four boxes that I had brought along with me, standing there, he was telling me to leave. I just walked up to them and stared into them, I got it, I really did.
No more stalling, I was going to give up my lease, I mean I couldn’t stay here, not with him just pretending that I didn’t exist anymore, telling me to fuck off…. I made a sniffle looking into the boxes, why did it feel even worse this time? Him rejecting me, just gave me my stuff and send me off, just like Ryan had done….
Tom knew and I wanted to die. Standing here with my empty apartment and four boxes, I guess it was time to be a big girl and just move on, he had done so… fuck he never needed to move on like I did, he just did what he wanted and everyone else, including me, followed him blindly, like the charming fucker he was.
I just took one box and started to carry it, feeling that I wanted to cry but I couldn’t, not now, not when there was a chance that Jonah was still here, just on the other side of the wall, just waiting for me to leave so he could get out there and find another girl, another submissive I guess… that was still making me mad… he didn’t even tell me about that, just assumed that I would know, well I was just a stupid housewife, I didn’t fucking know anything.
I pushed the elevator getting the last box, my door locked and I didn’t look back, how could I? then I would without a doubt cry before getting out of here.