I just stared down at the meatloaf, I mean, I had done this a hundred times, but I wanted it to be perfect when I was the first one back and was still mashing the potatoes and turned down the heat on the gravy, I wanted everything to be perfect.
I was really just a burden to James I realized, I ate his food, I lived here for almost nothing and he gave me vacation when I just got back from being on sick leave. He was the best boss and friend in the world.
Checking my phone, nothing new on Jonah’s story made me feel just as relieved as I was sad, I didn’t want to see him with other girls, drinking and just doing whatever the hell he was doing, but I did miss seeing his face, hearing his voice, it just sucked.
I was just stirring the pans when I heard the sound of someone coming up the stairs and smiled when I imagined James coming inside, I really wanted to make him happy since he was nice to me when my heart stopped and I lost my smile the second I saw the tall young guy just walk inside like he owned this place making me so fucking scared, James was going to kill me if he knew that someone else then me was in here.
“Jonah…what the fuck are you doing here?!” I just whispered the words, still not believing that he was standing here, in James’s kitchen, his green blue eyes keeping me hostage and having his hands in his hoodie like he was home, like he fucking belonged here, he didn’t!
“Well look who is back to being a housewife, must be nice knowing that you are back, right were you fucking started, a sad middle-aged woman that just stays at home, making fucking dinner.” He didn’t scream but I was already flinching when he sounded so fucking mad at me, I didn’t know how to answer that, he was here and he was accusing me of fucking James, he did, I already knew that.
“I’m not middle age…...” I just murmured back when his eyes lighted up like he thought I was being hilarious and whatever that was leaving his lips was going to hurt, like it did every time he was like this, going all fucking psycho on me, that jealous bastard!
“Oh, but you are, just look at you Andrea, fucking sweatpants and chocolate stains on your shirt, short hair and you are getting fucking fat.” He smirked when I just made a hurt sound, what the hell did he just say to me, I was not fat, I wasn’t! was I?!
“What?!” I just looked up at his awful smirk when I felt the tears burning in my eyes, my throat getting that big lump again and he just loved it, every second of seeing me hurt, like he was just here to make me suffer, I hated him!
“You fucking heard me, I know that you are not deaf, you are getting fat and you know it, look at you, eating all the damn time, what’s the matter, boss man not giving you the dick good enough for you to eat all the fucking food in the fridge?!” he chuckled when I started to cry, I didn’t fuck James, I didn’t!
I couldn’t answer that, he was right, I was getting fat and I hated it, making me cry even more with him just staring at me, not giving me more than a stern look and his jaw clenching hard, why the hell was he even here for?!
“Jonah… just leave… just leave me the fuck alone, I can’t take it anymore, I just can’t….” I cried more, making me lean over the counter and seeing the blurry view of my tears falling down on it, my chest was hurting again, and I felt sick seeing him just watching me like a fuckin snake.
“Don’t fucking talk to Tom anymore, you got that? If I see one more fucking snap from you on his phone, I’m coming back and then I’m going to punish your fat ass for talking to my guys, when you have no fucking right to do that!” he sneered when I looked up, I really couldn’t see him when I just nodded, I got it, I was never talking to Tom ever again, maybe I should just leave, for real, never come back.
“Fucking words Andrea, you know I don’t like when you just nod, do I make myself fucking clear?!” his voice was darker when I was making sobbing sounds, him standing there and just commanding me to answer and I hated myself so much when I did.
“I got it Jonah, don’t talk to Tom or anyone else….” I wiped my nose with my arm and looked down at the floor, my heart being gone, it wasn’t broken anymore, it was dead, and I was going to die, I felt it.
He just stood there like he didn’t want to leave when I took a deep breath and stared into his eyes that shifted for once second making me even more sad, he looked hurt before it was gone and I cried more, why was he so fucking mean to me, he was the one that had threw me out, told me he didn’t love me and still he was here and just couldn’t leave.
He looked like he wanted to say something, his mouth twitching the slightest and eyes uncertain when I just stared back before he clenched his jaw again and started to walk out making me do a huff, he was a coward, just like I always knew he was.
“Fucking coward….” I muttered again when I saw him just stop right in his tracks, shoulders tense and I realized that he had heard me and now I was dead, shit!
“What the fuck did you just say to me Andrea?!” he hadn’t turned around when I just whimpered back, he was going to hurt me and I knew it, seeing that I had pissed him off even more then he already was.
“I said… that you are a fucking coward Jonah….” I had backed away a step, knowing that it wasn’t going to save me, if he wanted to get to me, he would, no matter how much I tried to get away.
“I’m a coward? well at least I’m not a fucking slut, fucking the first guy that she comes over, you just couldn’t wait to fuck someone else did you!?” he was turned around and screamed the words at me when I just closed my eyes at the force behind his young voice, making me feel angry too, well fuck him, I didn’t fuck James, he just didn’t want to listen to me!
“I’m not a slut, I didn’t fuck James, or anyone else for that matter, I said I fucking loved you and I meant it you bastard!” I was shrieking it back, the neighbors were going to call the cops on us, no doubt about that when he was shaking his head, didn’t want to believe me when I nodded, telling him that I didn’t fuck James, but I sure wished that I was when he acted like this!
“No, you did, don’t fucking lie to my face Andrea! You told me you loved me and a week later you were already fucking that boring bastard that you hated but now you are living together, like a fucking middle-aged couple?!” he was panting from being upset and from screaming when I just stared at his hurt face, he was hurt, really? He was suffering? What about me, I was fucking suffering all the fucking time!
“You took my furniture and told me to get the fuck out, where the hell was I supposed to go!? I’m fucking broke Jonah and you know it, I always am!” He stopped from opening his mouth, looking guilty this time, so he knew I was right, he did this to me and now he was here to complain about it, me living with James, fucking hypocrite!
His jaw got even tighter, and I could see the fists that was in his hoodie, like he could hide from me just how upset he was, I could read him like an open fucking book, more than anyone else, whether he wanted to or not.
He wanted to say something and this time I didn’t wait for him to change his mind and chicken out when I just crossed my arms and stared at him angry, he was not going to keep quiet and just walk away from me!
“Just fucking tell me already you coward, what the hell is it that you want to fucking tell me that you can’t!?” I spat the words making him flinch from the fierceness behind my voice, I was so sick of him acting so fucking scared as soon as he felt something, anything.
“You were supposed to get back to me, when I took your furniture.” he looked like he wanted to die telling me this and I didn’t understand anything? what the hell was he talking about!?
“You were supposed to have no fucking choice then to come back and stay with me, not run off to some other guy and fuck him.” I just looked at him when he was serious, what kind of madman plan was that?!
“Jonah, for fucks sake, you could have just said that you were sorry for what happened, and I would have come back, not make some goddam scheme that I didn’t get at all!?” I was stunned, I was when he shifted his weight the slightest, looking really young right now, his fucking pride not letting him just say that he was sorry… oh god he was so stupid!
“What, just say fucking sorry and them what, you forgive me?!” he narrowed his eyes still not believing me when I nodded, yes, I would have forgiven him, just like that.
“Yeah, just say fucking sorry and then I would have come back….” I was getting tired of this when he looked even more tense, his hand still in the hoodie and I just made an exhausted exhale. Well, at least he was telling me the fucking truth, the one that I wanted to hear and not about me being fat.
“You really didn’t fuck anyone else, not the boring fucker you are staying at, or Evans?” he snapped his eyes to me accusing again when I just shrugged, that was it, if he didn’t believe me then fuck him.
“No. Now…. get the fuck out if there was nothing else you wanted than make me cry and make me feel like shit…” I crossed my arms again and nodded at the door, making small panic blow up in his eyes and I just didn’t care anymore, he wasn’t going to do shit and I was done waiting for him to finally say something back to me.
“I’m sorry.” He looked up from the floor that he had been staring at the last minute and I just smiled back, too little too late.
“You know what, I’m sorry too… sorry I ever fell in love with you, fucking coward, can’t even tell me that you love me when I know you do…” I lost my power at the end fading away when he looked like he was hurt by my words, well then, we all were fucking hurt then…
“I’m nineteen Andrea.” I know my mouth was open when he just said that, looking like he was feeling ashamed of himself, me and us.
“W…what?!” I just gawked at him, standing there and looking like he wanted to die telling me how old he was, Nineteen. He was nineteen years old.
No.
I started to laugh when he just looked annoyed at me chuckling at him, no he couldn’t be, there was no fucking way he was that young, not with that attitude and hard eyes, his fucking confidence and dominance, no, he was not nineteen!
“No, you are not, no… you are lying, aren’t you?! how the hell can you be nineteen, just fucking look at you!” my laughter was gone when he looked at me like he was hurting hearing me say that and I just shook my head to what he was saying, no, that wasn’t true, it wasn’t.
“I am. Why the fuck would I lie about that?! I’m fucking nineteen and you are too old for me, that’s the truth.” My chest was constricted again making me take small shallow breaths, he was nineteen, he was really that… oh fuck… oh god…. I was a fucking cradle robber, an old woman wanting a teenager, omg, I was going to hell.
“I been this tall since I was sixteen, so people don’t think I’m that young, they think I’m in my twenties, and I let them, because its fucking easier that way….” He sounded tired when I started to laugh again, it sounded horrible and crazy, Jonah really was a kid, not just me calling him one.
I didn’t say anything, none of us did, just looked at each other, standing in James’s kitchen and feeling lost. He was nineteen, of course he was, look at him, he was never hiding it, the way he ate, hooked up and just was, he was a fucking teenager and I had been blinded by his dominance to see it, I was the one that was stupid here, I always was.
It was the sound of my phone that made me snap out of the blackout I was in, hearing him confess his age to me, I didn’t look at him when I opened the oven, cursing about the heat and putting the meatloaf on the counter, it was fucking perfect.
“Are you ashamed of me, now that you know?” I flinched hearing his voice, he was hurting so badly when I was biting my lips, flustered by the heat from the oven and just gazed up at him, standing there, acting like he was the same guy that had helped me, made me feel safe and not the asshole that was making me feel like I wanted to die.
“Yeah… I think I am… or I am ashamed of myself at least….” I didn’t want to lie, no more lies or untold truths, he wanted to know, and I was going to tell him.
He just nodded like he got it and I made a deep sigh, how the hell was I supposed to react to that, I still loved him, I did but it was fucking hard hearing that he was that young, people were not going to get it, they just weren’t.
“I love you.” He just said that and I made a small stumbling step, trying to catch myself with the counter when I felt his arms around me and I froze up, not wanting to look up at his face when I felt the warm hands on my body, arms holding me tight like he never wanted to let go again.
I was already crying when I looked up at his face that was beaming, his eyes warm and loving, the sweetness in his smile that I had missed so fucking much, making my heart start to pound hard just like it always did when he looked at me like that, fuck, he did really love me didn’t he?
“Oh, fuck Jonah… I love you…” I just smiled when he chuckled back at my words, he knew and I had never hidden that either, I just had been too stupid to see what’s been right there in front of me, him being afraid to tell me his age… so stupid.
I tilted my head up more, making my heart go crazy when he leaned down and kissed me, tasting the sweet mint that I was addicted to, his soft lips against mine, just making me feel like I was dead, relaxing completely into his arms, still holding me up.
“Let’s just go home, that’s all I want right now, okay baby?” I made a small giggle and nodded, I wanted that to, I never wanted to leave him again, never ever.